it’s not what’s inside that’s important. January 21, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — cindytripp @ 7:30 pm
Tags: ,

I admit that last week I started thinking about those extra platelets. An extra 60,000 platelets is a great cushion, I thought, especially after losing 38,000 the first cycle. Yeah, right. I usually get in trouble when I think I know what will happen.

My platelet count yesterday? 106,000—and there went the comfortable cushion. The C-125 marker was down to a lovely 130, but those platelets…argh! There’s nothing to eat or try or take, except to give them time to rebound after being beaten down by chemotherapy.

Yesterday, however, I didn’t go back into the dark and deep hole of the weeks between Thanksgiving and January 13. I purposely didn’t think about anything that was out of my control.

Instead I thought about Mark 8 and about being in the boat with one loaf of bread, 11 people close to me, and the Savior. I focused on seeing, hearing, remembering, and understanding the important truth—I am in the boat with the Savior, and He is enough. He is not limited by the one available loaf of bread or the plummeting platelet count or anything else. What a remarkable feeling! I felt that I had passed one little test on one little day and nothing bigger than that, but it was a victory nonetheless.

If you’ve seen me recently, you probably have thought that I look so much better than you expected. For the most part, I do feel better. My neuropathy is greatly diminished, and I’m getting around easily. Other than general queasiness, I’m doing okay. Who would expect that persistent cancer tumors inside have grown and spread and not responded very well to treatment?

cbtJan21Don’t we all have junk inside that can’t be seen? Whether in our hearts or minds or bodies, hidden things exist that we don’t know about and/or don’t want others to see. My situation may be more obvious, but then I have hashed and rehashed the story of my insides over the last 23 months. I have trouble forgetting that what’s inside cannot be seen in the mirror. What I realize today a bit more clearly is that my inside is not important.

What’s important is the One who is in charge of all of my life. I’ll need the reminder in a day or so, but today I know I can reread Mark 8 and be thankful that I look better than I feel and better than my inside may look. Scans on February 7 (results on February 10) will reveal details about what’s inside, and the oncology experts will recommend what to do next. It’s not up to me.

In the meantime, I want to focus on what’s important—on God’s mercy and grace, on not having to deserve His being in the boat with me. Nothing at all is up to me.

This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” (Lamentations 3:21-24)


5 Responses to “it’s not what’s inside that’s important.”

  1. Fran Kirkpatrick Says:

    Hi Cindy! Both your last post and this one have been inspiring, as are all your post! I love your sense of humor, your close relationship with your daughter, and, above all, your honesty in writing about your spiritual journey and the ups and downs of living with cancer. People say you are brave, and you probably think, “Well, I don’t have much choice.” And you don’t have a choice about having cancer, but you do have a choice about how you respond to the challenges, and you have responded remarkably well! You are a blessing! Keep writing! I’ll keep praying:-)

  2. Cathy Longeway Says:

    Beautifully written, as always. It brings to mind the Serenity Prayer – God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference. Personally, that prayer has saved my sanity many times over….I hope it blesses you today.

  3. tammyrhayes Says:

    Thank You for this Cindy. Very needed reminder today. Love you much.

  4. David and Roberta DeRossett Says:

    Cindy, thank you so much for keeping everyone up to date on your ‘ordeal’. It’s always such a blessing to hear how you trust that God is always with you throughout all this. You are looking good but we do pray for better days for you.

  5. Karen Smith Says:

    Cindy – you are such an encouragement to us all. Thank you for reminding me of where my focus needs to be. Thank you for blessing me. And know that I will continue to pray for Jesus to be the lifter up of your head as you walk this path. With Blessings, Karen

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s