Day 23: lull November 13, 2013

With my 4th of 4 treatments ending on Tuesday, day 22, I now have 3 weeks ahead with no treatments, just labs for two weeks and scans on the third week.

I don’t want to think any more about days 17-21 after the 3rd treatment. Excruciating pain in my right chest (not heart), ER visit on Friday, discomforting weekend, wondering how the 4th treatment would go—I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m glad it’s in the past.

Silly me…I have reminded myself so often through this process not to anticipate outcomes, not to presume to give myself medical advice, not to move my focus from the moments in front of me, but I still fall down into those frustrating habits. Don’t get me wrong, I trust God with all of the details and know that He meets me in my point of need always. When things don’t work out as I planned, I am confident that God’s eye is still on me. I do know, however, that I’m the one affected when I take my focus off the next right step and the next moment. I feel sad, which is really quite silly. His love and mercy are unfailing, and that’s not silly at all.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about thinking of the “consider the lilies” verses. Today I was drawn to the verses at the end of that section of the Sermon on the Mount. “Seek ye first the kingdom” was one of the first things I cross-stitched back when I did that, and “Seek ye first…” is painted as a border in one of the rooms in our home. Today I looked the words that Jesus used to close that thought (and I added the italics): “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.” Consider the lilies…seek ye first the kingdom…and therefore you don’t have to worry about tomorrow.

I’m going to try once again to stay in the moment, and I’m going to do it for the next moments today.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt 6:33-34)


One Response to “Day 23: lull”

  1. Fran Kirkpatrick Says:

    I don’t think it’s silly to feel sad sometimes, especially after a visit to the ER…it’s honest. What you are going through requires an inordinate amount of perseverance. I have wondered if I have what it takes to endure a trial like what you are going through. I don’t know, but seeing you on your feet at BA and reading your blog lets me know it’s possible. You are doing it…PERSEVERING, and I have great admiration for your courage and strength! No one expects that you will never get down or feel sad – that would be unreasonable. However, I do deeply believe what you wrote is true – His eye is still on you, whether you lose focus or not, and He will provide rest for your weary and burdened soul (Matthew 25:28-30). I love the old hymn, “His Eye is on the Sparrow,” so I leave those lyrics with you today. Enjoy your time off from treatment and Happy Thanksgiving:-) Me and my family are thankful for you!


    Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
    Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
    When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

    I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
    For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

    “Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
    And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
    Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.


    Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
    When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
    I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
    His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.


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