With my 4th of 4 treatments ending on Tuesday, day 22, I now have 3 weeks ahead with no treatments, just labs for two weeks and scans on the third week.
I don’t want to think any more about days 17-21 after the 3rd treatment. Excruciating pain in my right chest (not heart), ER visit on Friday, discomforting weekend, wondering how the 4th treatment would go—I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m glad it’s in the past.
Silly me…I have reminded myself so often through this process not to anticipate outcomes, not to presume to give myself medical advice, not to move my focus from the moments in front of me, but I still fall down into those frustrating habits. Don’t get me wrong, I trust God with all of the details and know that He meets me in my point of need always. When things don’t work out as I planned, I am confident that God’s eye is still on me. I do know, however, that I’m the one affected when I take my focus off the next right step and the next moment. I feel sad, which is really quite silly. His love and mercy are unfailing, and that’s not silly at all.
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about thinking of the “consider the lilies” verses. Today I was drawn to the verses at the end of that section of the Sermon on the Mount. “Seek ye first the kingdom” was one of the first things I cross-stitched back when I did that, and “Seek ye first…” is painted as a border in one of the rooms in our home. Today I looked the words that Jesus used to close that thought (and I added the italics): “Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow.” Consider the lilies…seek ye first the kingdom…and therefore you don’t have to worry about tomorrow.
I’m going to try once again to stay in the moment, and I’m going to do it for the next moments today.
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matt 6:33-34)