I’m settling down now. The three-week routine of avastin treatments, the intentional response to the neuropathy issues, and even the slow reappearance of my hair have been stages in my coming to terms with my life. When I met with my oncologist on Monday, he reminded me that returning to my full-strength activity level will take time (yes, I know that you are surprised that I haven’t yet realized that obvious truth) and that I have come through a battle against a strong foe. I guess it’s natural to have battle scars, both external and internal ones.
Part of that conversation has led me to another stage in the process, an embrace-my-life-as-it-is stance. What does that look like? The biggest change I’ve made is allowing my shorter-than-short hair to be seen without a scarf or hat. I realized that I’ve been hiding under these scarves; a few weeks ago, I stopped wearing a scarf or hat at home, and I’ve decided that it’s time to do the same when I am not at home. My doctor said that this is good because it means I’m accepting myself after what’s happened. Of course, I’m sure that I’ll still wear something when it’s cold.
Those of you who know me know that I tend to repeat myself. As I was saying, I do repeat myself. How many times have I struggled with this same issue in these posts: dealing with the reality of recovery after chemotherapy? Actually, the answer is more times that I want to think about. What else can I say? It is what it is.
By the way, my granddaughter Abigail has started telling me that she thinks my hair will grow back red. Now that will be something to see!
These two verses from my favorite psalm are always a comfort to me:
Hear my voice when I call, Lord; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, Lord, I will seek. (Psalm 27:7-8)