the new normal September 4, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — cindytripp @ 11:45 pm

I’m still here. Nothing about my health has changed; my feet continue to be both painful and numb—and don’t ask me how both of those feelings can be possible at the same time. I now have a few lovely red bruises below the surface of my skin, the result of the blood-thinner medication. After the first wisps of hair appeared on my head about 6 weeks ago, all I have is that—mere wisps, not hair.

While I don’t think the medicines I’m taking are working very well, that’s probably because I want them to work miracles in a short amount of time. That isn’t happening. This Friday I’ll have my second Avastin treatment through my port, and then nothing else is scheduled for three more weeks until October 1.

I feel as if my life is on pause. I’ve quit thinking about expecting and hoping because doing so requires the use of more brain cells than I can devote to the task. Some days I want to stay in bed all day, and some days I am able to move to the couch and put my feet up. There are not enough great days, just good days when nothing much changes.

Ahhhhhh. Nothing has changed, and I want something to change.

This afternoon I came to a decision. If nothing in my health is changing, then I have to change. I actually have to do something to prove to myself that I am on the other side of this cancer. The reality is that I have worked through six chemotherapy treatments, followed the health recommendations, and paid attention to my need for rest. I have been surrounded by faithful members of my family and by dear friends who call and email and text me regularly. I have so very much for which to be grateful—regardless of whether my health has actually changed.

I decided today that I have to put my hands and feet (numb as they are) and my heart and mind (inconstant though they may be) to the task before me. Do I believe all that I have thought and written since my diagnosis on February 17? Am I going to focus on faith or feelings? Do I truly believe that my God is good even though my circumstances may be difficult? If I do, then I should act differently from the way I have been acting.

The apostle Peter spoke of the end times with these words: “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance” (2 Peter 3:8). The message to me is this: God is not slow in keeping His promise to me, as I understand slowness as I wait for something to change in my health. Instead he is patient with me.

While nothing much has changed in my health, I will believe that I’m fine. That’s the conclusion that I reached today because it’s the only one that makes sense. It’s also the only one that will enable me to look beyond my circumstances and to walk in faith.

I’m still here, and I’m grateful that I am not alone. He is here no matter where my “here” is.

To Him be glory both now and forever. Amen.


6 Responses to “the new normal”

  1. Dawn Denny Says:

    Yes, you are here and you are surrounded by people that love you so much. I can only imagine the frustrations of day to day, and no change. But yes – your world is completely filled with people that love and adore you! You just keep on keepin’ on, and we’re right there with ya!
    Much much love,
    Dawn (Denny) Evans

  2. Judy Flatt Says:

    Thank you for your honesty and words of great insight and wisdom. I pray that all goes well today, and that you will be pain-free soon! Keep the faith!!

  3. Kana Conger Says:

    I just wanted to check in to let you know that I continue to pray for you. I will be thinking of
    you tomorrow and hope your treatment goes well!

    Kana Conger

  4. Terri Capps Says:

    You are such a testimony of a ‘woman of great faith’! Your insights of God’s love and patience are such
    an encouragement to everyone. Know that I continue to pray for you “being fine” everyday:)
    Love you!

  5. Gina, David, Ben, Willa & Dora Stansell Says:

    Hi, Cindy, Thank you for the update. I’m glad you’re resting, but sorry for the numbness and tingling, and for some reason, I imagine swelling? It sounds like you are striving for the art of “being,” not so much “doing.” I think that is a struggle for all of us: fully “being” who, where and how God has us. He keeps working on us! Kneading us like dough. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so doughy! God bless you!

  6. Susan Smallwood Says:

    Cindy-Wanted you to know that I read every one of your posts with great anticipation and love. Anticipation not because I’m anxious to hear that something has changed (although that day will be celebrated) but because your journey is so real and compelling. Your willingness to “put it all out there” and to be so transparent is a gift to all who know and love you. Thank you…..You’ll be happy to know that we’ve officially started the accreditation process at NHA. Your insights provided the clarity that was needed to push us forward!! I’ll keep you posted on our progress : >
    much love and continued prayers from the Smallwoods

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