Since I am at the middle of my treatments, on Thursday I had a CT scan of my lungs, abdomen and pelvic area. Everything looked great; in fact, the largest tumor had shrunk to less than half the size it was when I started. While CT scans do not pick up everything that a PET scan does, the fact that the tumors that can be seen on CT were so much smaller is the best news I could have received.
Of course, God’s timing was perfect. On Wednesday I was sicker than I think I have ever been in my life. For 24 hours my body was in violent rebellion, and there seemed to be no end in sight. For the first time, I wondered if I would ever be myself again, if I ever would feel right. Then on Thursday, the disorder inside my body had subsided, and I tentatively walked through the day of scans and doctor appointments and consultations. Everyone was gentle and encouraging, and the news was fantastic at every turn. At times I almost felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, reminding me that I was where I was supposed to be and that I was not forgotten.
How easy it is for me to lose that assurance, to forget for even a moment (or for all of one day), that my life is in the hands of the One who made me and has ordained my path. In spite of the loving kindness of James and my family and friends, in spite of the countless notes and texts and calls, in spite of the certainty I have of God’s love for me—I allowed uncomfortable circumstances to loom larger than truth. I felt sorry for myself and for having to deal with this mess and for not being the person I had been and want to be.
I realize this morning that my frequent response that I am “focusing on the moment” is part of the problem. I realize that I should be “focusing on seeing God in the moment.” That’s what I didn’t really understand until the events of Wednesday and Thursday. Focusing on moments in my case was fine, as long as the moments were okay; when the moments were not good, however, I was undone. Moments are circumstances, which I should have remembered, and circumstances are not where I want to focus. The secret of being content—and it is a secret—is to fix our eyes on Jesus in all circumstances, which is hard to do when we need to do it the most (Philippians 4:11-13).
Ah, the important lessons to learn are never easy, are they? I guess that’s why I keep having to learn them.
I am profoundly grateful for your prayers for me and my family. Email is best if you want to contact me.