It’s the 6th Friday since I learned that my lungs were filled with cancer cells. The great news is that the cells are not lung cancer; if they were, the prognosis would be very grim. The interesting news is that the source of the cancer is not known but the prognosis is much better since the cells are estrogen-positive. The good news is that treatment plan is to try to get as much benefit from the anti-estrogen pills for as long as possible before beginning chemotherapy. The not-so-good news is that the last six weeks have required much patience because nothing is happening as quickly as I would like.
I’m used to having plans, to moving deliberately toward checking things off, to doing whatever is needed. Quite frankly, I typically stay busy and get lots of things done. That’s not possible now. For one thing, I can’t expedite the treatment. For another, I haven’t been feeling very well.
My cough returned last Friday, and the oncologist feels that it’s caused by the mass on the interior periphery of my right lung pressing against the trachea. I’m also often short of breath, and that affects how I feel. It’s a moment-by-moment thing. For most of the last six weeks, I’ve felt fine actually, except when I haven’t. That’s when I have had to go home, and so that’s what I’ve done. Right now, not having energy to do what I want to do isn’t fun, but it’s also nothing to complain about.
I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me. I feel the prayers of so many and know that is why I can get up in the morning and make it through the day. It’s always wonderful being with students and colleagues and friends and family.
My mornings are best because things sometimes go downhill after noon. Although I wish that I could do more updates, most evenings I am too tired, and I don’t know what to write that’s different or worth reading. Then a wise friend called me this afternoon and reminded me that I don’t have to try to do more than I can and that it’s okay.
Here’s where I am right now. Here. Just that—here. Not up or down. Not thinking or planning or worrying or wondering. Just here. Not forgotten and not anxious. Not stressed and not overwhelmed. I’m just here, trusting that God is working His purposes according to His timetable. I’m here, and I know deep in my soul that God is here too, even in the mess that is in and around my lungs. I am thankful for His ever-present faithfulness, and I’m thankful that He is with me here right now.
P.S. On Wednesday, the C-125 marker was down to 250 from 299 two weeks ago. The hope is that it’s going to continue to go down, and it will be checked again next week. I don’t know what will happen next, whether it will be more waiting or a change in treatment, and I cannot speculate on what may come. Next appointment is Thursday, April 5.